My church

Well, after those two posts that can be classified as depressing, I would like to write about something that sustains me and keeps me going. It's my church that I have grown to love so much over the past few months. A place where nobody will judge you for how you look or how you act, a place where I can be myself and be loved for what I am, not what I wish I were. A place where nobody wants to change me.

But the most important thing is, it's the place that helps me draw closer to God. A place where I understand new things, a place where I realize that no matter how lonely, abandoned, wounded and filthy I am, there is always Someone to cling to.

I have made some wonderful friends there as well, friends that keep me smiling. Together we get involved in various fun creative activities and make other people happy. A friend I had met there taught me one of the most valuable lessons in life - that one doesn't have to be rich, or extremely successful in life, or look like a supermodel, or have the best of everything to be loved and valued and special. Too bad I forget about it too often, but I am working on this.

My church is a very special place in my life and in my heart. I am incredibly thankful for everything I have there, for everyone I know there, and I treasure every memory, every moment I spent there.

STUCK.

So, another worthless day. I look in the mirror and realize that I am just gross. My whole body is gross and I hate every tiny piece of it. I am stuck again, and haven't lost a single pound today. I shouldn't have eaten that tomato this morning, and I am not going to give myself any food tomorrow. I do not deserve to eat, I am way too fat for this. I must lose more weight, and I am not sick, I refuse to admit it just because it's noot true. Something inside me is starving for food but I am not giving myself food. I am not even giving myself drinking anymore - nothing but water. I wish I were fucking special, fucking beautiful and lovable. But no, only pretty skinny girls are loved and admired, fat disgusting cows are nothing.

People tell me I am sick, but hey, I am just ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

Scales.

You know, the thing I hate the most is scales. You never know what to expect of them, you can look at the number they show you with delight or terrible fear, and nothing will ever change. I hate that feeling I get every morning, when I crawl to my bathroom just to see how much I've lost, and I hate that feeling of worthlessness if they don't show me the number I have expected - when you have anorexia, that magical number on the scales becomes your sweetest dream and yet your greatest nightmare.

This is why I hate scales. They fucking measure if you are of any worth or not. 

I beg you not to get me wrong. Seriously, I am not Pro Ana. I know people who have died of this. I know how hard this endless losing battle is - the battle with yourself, with what you are and what you are scared of becoming. I would never wish this life upon anyone. But what can I write about if I have anorexia? Where else am I supposed to let it all out? I feel like I don't trust anyone, and I can't turn to anyone for help. Only my girls on PT understand what it's all like.


Why can't I just be beautiful? I hate what I am and I hate how I look. I wanna escape from this, I wanna hide, but how are you supposed to escape from yourself? and yeah suicide is not the option.........

Jesus the lover of my soul

Okay, so blog is not just a gathering of my ED experiences, but also a mirror to all the other aspects of my soul and my life. Right now, Christianity plays an important part in my life and is a balm and healing to most of my wounds. I really feel like sharing some of the most special, precious Christian pictures and quotes here in this post.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting, "I am saved"
I'm whispering, "I was lost"
That is why I chose this way.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are all too visible,
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I speak His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

God won't ask what kind of car you drove, but will ask how many people you drove home who didn't have transportation.

God won't ask how much overtime you worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.

God won't ask what you did to help yourself,but will ask what you did to help others.

God won't ask how many friends you had,but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.

God won't ask what you did to protect your rights,but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others

God won't ask how many times your deeds matched your words,but will ask how many times they didn't.

 God didn't promise day without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain. But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for tears and light for the way.

Some people complain because God put thorns on roses, while others praise him for putting roses on thorns.

You didn’t do anything to earn God’s love and nothing you do can make Him love you less. He is love

I asked Jesus how much He loved me today. He replied, 'This much'. Then stretched out His arms and died.

You weren't an accident. You weren't mass produced. You aren't an assembly-line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on the earth by the Master Craftsman. 


I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go

 there's never a teardrop
that God doesn't see.
he knows when a sparrow
falls from a tree.
there's never a moment
when God doesn't care
never a time
when he won't hear our prayer.

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things;
I was given ailments that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy;
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for-but everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I among all men, am most richly blessed.

Fasting Plan.

So, I would love to share my fasting plans for the next two weeks, I thought this would keep me motivated and give me something to look forward to. So for the next two weeks, from May 9 til May 20, I am going to do this simple little fast. It will go on like this: two days of liquid fast (tea, coffee and water only), one day of a small treat (most likely an apple or a kiwi if I must) and liquids. I have never done this before and I hope this will do me some good. I absolutely have to lose more for my prom on May 21 and further, and I hope this will be a good start.

Until then, I wish myself good luck.
Peace love skinny

Hello, world!

So, hello, world. I am not sure if anyone is going to get to read this, but I thought I'd say hi anyway. So, I am a girl, 16 years young and I am trying to lose weight. This problem has been a second me for as long as I can remember, and I have every ED there is.
I am desperately scared of mirrors.
I am slowly coming to being afraid of going outside, just because I am too ugly and I hate those judging looks of girls who look much prettier than me.
I hate trying on clothes - it seems like everything looks gross on me.

Unlike most people with ED's, I am not suffering from self-loathing and an urge to commit suicide - or, at least, not today really. I do understand that beauty is found within and I do know how to embrace the inner beauty I have inside, but other than that, I am striving for beauty outside, too. I want to feel that beauty again, when I look in the mirror and like what I am seeing. I am too sick and tired of having to shun mirrors.

So here in this blog, I commit to post whatever comes to my mind - thoughts, feelings, emotions, ups and downs, little and bigger failures and successes.
Hello, world!